As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
