I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
