I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
