I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
