I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
