Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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