She is in my trunk
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
