its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
