made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
We need to rekindle our bromance
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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