can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
