I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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