He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
