puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
