Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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