I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
