those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
