Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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