have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i will never coherently bang her
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
