not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
