The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
