First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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