you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
