I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
