I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
