It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
