I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize
