He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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