Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
