We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
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I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
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I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You are a genius and a whore.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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