I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
