Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
