On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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