Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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