plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
