All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
