if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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