At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
