And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My vagina is officially offended.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
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