I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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