Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
