I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
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Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
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My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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