I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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