I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
