she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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