I think im going to throw up on grandma
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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