So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
