I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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