she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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