So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
