The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
