woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
