I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Boobs are out for the taking
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
