I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
