my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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