I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
