I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
