i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
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PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
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Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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