Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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