How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
